West Side Brolly
by Alexis Rockford
Summary: Steed and Emma play Tony and Maria in a colourful version of West Side Story. r/r! Finale. 'Nuff said. Thanx to all my loyal readers and look forward to future Avengers fics!
1. Cast of Characters

Cast of Characters 

John Steed as Tony 

Emma Peel as Maria 

Catherine Gale as Anita 

Martin King as Bernardo 

Major George Fancy (Featured in the episode "The Joker") as Riff 

Mike Gambit (The New Avengers) as Action 

Miss Purdey (The New Avengers) as A-Rab 

David Keel as Baby John 

Tara King as Anybodys 

Mother as Doc 

Basil Creighton-Latimer (Featured in the episode "Wish You Were Here") as Ice/Snowboy 

Peter Peel as Chino 

Richard Smyth (From the story "Mother Knows Best") as Diesel 

Paul Croft (From the Episode "Murdersville") as Pepe 

Hana Wilde (From "The Superlative Seven" as Velma 

Max Prendergast (From "The Joker") as Lieutenant Shrank 

Professor Keller (From "The House that Jack Built") as as Officer Krupke 

Diana Forbes-Blakeney (From "Killer") as Graziella 

Venus Smith as Rosalia 

Georgie Price-Jones (From "The Girl From Auntie") as Consuelo 

Penelope Plain (From "Dead Man's Treasure") as Francisca 

Watney (From "All Done With Mirrors") as Glad Hand 


	2. Act One, Scene One

ACT I  
  
SCENE ONE.  
  
5:00 P.M. The street  
  
The opening is Musical: half-danced, half-mimed, with occasional phrases of  
dialogue. It shows the growing rivalry between two British agencies of top-notch  
sleuths, the Spies and the Amateurs, each of which has its own prideful uniform.  
The Spies are ministry-trained agents and have been in America much longer  
than the Amateurs, who are untrained avengers although intelligent and adept.  
Each agency is fighting for the city's business- literally, although at the moment,  
the Spies seem to have the upper hand. Their leader is George Fancy, also called  
Fancy-Pants or just Fancy: glowing, driving, intelligent, slightly wacky. His  
lieutenant is Richard Smyth: Big, slow, steady, rough. The newest member of  
the gang is David Keel, awed at everything, including that he's a spy, trying to  
act like a super agent but usually getting himself in trouble. The most aggressive  
is Gambit: a catlike ball of fury. His buddy is Miss Purdey: an explosive little  
ferret who enjoys everything and understands the seriousness of nothing. We  
will get to know all of these people better later as well as Basil: a self-styled  
expert.  
  
The first interruption of the Spies' sunny mood is the sharply punctuated  
entrance of the leader of the Amateurs, Martin King: handsome, proud, rugged,  
a chip on his sardonic shoulder. The Spies, by far in the majority, flick him off.  
He returns with other amateurs, they, too, are flicked off. But the numerical  
supremacy, the strength of the Spies, is gradually being threatened. The  
beginnings of warfare are mild at first: someone being tripped up, or being  
sandbagged with a flour sack or even being spit on--all with overly elaborate  
apologies.   
  
Finally, Gambit comes across the suddenly deserted area, thrashing his fists in  
the air. Then over the wall drops King. Another Amateur, another and another  
appear, blocking Gambit's panicked efforts at escape. They close in, grab him,  
pummel him, as an Amateur on top of the wall is stationed as lookout. Finally,  
King bends over Gambit and wallops him in the nose; the lookout whistles; the  
Spies tear on, Amateurs tear on, and a free-for-all breaks out. Fancy goes to  
Gambit like a protective father. The fight is stopped by a gunshot and the arrival  
of a big goonlike thug, Professor Keller, and an ugly diabolical mastermind,  
Prendergast. Predergast is strong, always in command; he has charming,  
pleasant manner, which he often employs to cover up his venom and his mental  
instability.  
  
Prendergast (almost calmly)- Don't mind me. Go ahead and kill each other.  
Saves work for me at any rate.  
  
Fancy (acidly)- Why, if it isn't that diabolical mastermind, Max Prendergast!  
  
Spies (mockingly)- Top of the day, Max Prendergast!  
  
King- And his worthless minion, Professor Keller.  
  
Amateurs (mockingly)- Top of the day, Professor Keller!  
  
Prend (sneers)- You agents don't know anything. You're all gonna kill each other  
and then who will protect the streets from criminals like me and Keller? (Smiles  
evilly) And I've been wanting to murder you spies ever since one of you sent me  
to jail.  
  
King- We amateurs didn't send you to jail! They did it. (Points to rival group)  
  
Prend (lightly)- To me you're all the same. (Harshly) except you amateurs are so  
much more stupid than the spies!  
  
(The amateurs look ready to strike him.) King stops his group- Since we're so  
stupid, we'll just go find our own kind, the kind that can appreciate our talent.  
(Amateurs all exit)  
  
Prend- Too Bad, you crazy spies won't be killing each other today after all. (He  
laughs evilly and exits.)  
  
Keller over shoulder- Goodbye, Fellas!  
  
Basil (mimics Keller)- Goodbye Fellas!  
  
Gambit (mimics Prendergast bitterly)- I've been wanting to murder you spies  
FOREVER  
  
Purdey (pretends to be Prendergast)- It's not fun for me when you kill each  
other.  
  
Basil (likewise pretends to be Prend)- You've got no imagination, you spies.  
  
Gambit (still keeps up his act)- You gotta be creative when killing each other,  
think of wonderful tortures.  
  
Keel ( also pretends to be Prend)- You just don't have what it takes to be a  
diabolical mastermind like me.  
  
Purdey- As if we want to be a diabolical mastermind, Pendergast.  
  
Gambit- Yeah, we ain't diabolical masterminds, thankfully. But we're also not the  
only agency in the city, so we ain't nothin.  
  
Fancy- Don't worry. We will be the only spy agency when we're done with the  
amateurs.  
  
Keel- What do they know anyway? The amateurs just came over to New York  
from England, while we've been here for several years and know American  
customs.  
  
Purdey- The Americans should hire us, not the amateurs.  
  
Gambit- Those no good newcomers will steal all of our business! And what are  
we doing about it!  
  
(Tara pushes her way through the boys.)   
  
Tara- Griping and complaining.  
  
Gambit- Aw! You still around?  
  
Tara- Listen, I was a smash in that fight. Oh Fancy, my brick and I did murder.  
  
Fancy- C-mon Tara, a purse with a brick isn't good spy tactics.  
  
Tara- Oh please, Fancy, how about my getting in the agency now?  
  
Gambit- How about the agency getting in with you- ah who'd wanna.  
  
Tara- You cheap swine! (Lunges at Gambit with purse)  
  
Fancy- The road, little lady, the road  
  
(Tara leaves in a huff after smacking Gambit's fanny with her purse. Gambit  
cringes in pain as Fancy continues.)  
  
Fancy- We worked hard for this city's respect, and it's ours. But those sneaky  
amateurs can move in right under our noses and take it away unless we speed  
fast and clean them up in one all-out fight.  
  
Gambit- A barney! (punches) chung chung  
  
Fancy- Brilliant, Gambit. The amateurs want a place in this city's spy business  
too, and they are tough. They might ask for weapons.  
  
Keel (alarmed) - Weapons?  
  
Fancy- They may not but we've gotta be prepared to take defense. What do you  
say?  
  
Gambit- Let's do it!  
  
Basil- But if they want guns or knives-  
  
Keel (calmly)- Forget it. I don't want to be doctoring you for the rest of my life.  
  
Gambit- Aww  
  
Smyth- What do you think, Fancy?  
  
Fancy- I say this city's big and worth fighting for. I wanna hold it like we have  
since we've been here, with skin. But if they say switchblades, so do we. I say I  
want the spies to be the number one crime fighting ministry!  
  
(Sounds of approval from other spies)  
  
Fancy- All right, chums, we'll duel! Now protocol calls for a war council to decide  
on the weapons. I'll make the challenge to King.  
  
Basil- You'll need to take a lieutenant.   
  
Gambit (eagerly)- That's me!  
  
Fancy- That's Steed.  
  
Gambits shoulders sag- Aw, who needs Steed?  
  
Fancy- Against the Amateurs wee need every man we can get.  
  
Gambit- Steed don't belong anymore. He retired.  
  
Fancy- Cut it Gambit. Steed and I were the head spies for five years. He's got a  
reputation bigger than the whole city.  
  
Gambit- Well, he acts like he don't want to belong.  
  
Purdey- Who wouldn't want to belong to the spies?  
  
Gambit- Steed hasn't been with us for over a month.  
  
Fancy- I know, but he's always come through for us, and he will now.  
  
(Music starts playing)  
  
Fancy (sings)- When you're a spy you're a spy all the way, from when you're  
private eye til your last dying day. When you're a spy, let them do what they  
can, you've got brothers around, you're a family man. You're never alone, never  
disconnected You're home with your own when company's expected, you're  
well-protected.  
Then you are set with a capital "S" that they'll never forget til you draw your last  
breath. When you're a spy, you stay a spy!  
  
Fancy: Now I know Steed like I know me, and I guarantee you can count him in  
  
Gambit: In, out! Now let's get cracking  
  
Smyth: Where are you going to find King?  
  
Keel: It isn't safe to go in the Amateur territory.  
  
Fancy: He'll be at the dance tonight in the gym  
  
Purdey: Yeah, but the gym's neutral territory.  
  
Fancy (innocently): Purdey, I'm gonna make nice with him, I'm only gonna  
challenge him.  
  
Basil: Great, daddy-o!  
  
Fancy: So listen, everybody dress up sweet and sharp. Meet Steed and me at  
the dance after ten, and walk tall! (He runs off)  
  
Smyth: We always walk tall!  
  
Purdey: We're spies!  
  
Basil: The greatest!  
  
Gambit (sings): When you're a spy, you're a top cat in town, you're a gold-medal  
bloke with a heavyweight crown.   
  
Basil (sings): When you're a spy, you're the swingingest thing little chap you're a  
man, little man you're a king!   
  
All (sings): The spies are in gear, our cylinders are clicking. Amateurs stay clear,  
cause every single one is a lousy chicken! Here come the spies like a bat out of  
hell, someone gets in our way, someone don't feel so well. Here come the spies,  
little world step aside. Better go underground, better run, better hide. We're  
drawing the line, so keep your noses hidden. We're hanging a sign says visitors  
forbidden, and we aren't kidding! Here come the spies, yeah, and we're gonna  
beat every last agency on the whole ruddy street. On the whole ruddy, ever  
bloody street! 


	3. Act One, Scene Two

SCENE TWO  
  
5:30 P.M. A back yard.  
  
On a small ladder, a good-looking, dark-haired man is painting a sign that will say:  
"West Side Brolly". Below, Fancy is haranguing.  
  
Fancy: Oh come on Steed, why not? You can't say you won't, Steed without  
saying why not.  
  
Steed (grinning): Why not?  
  
Fancy: Cause it's me asking. George Fancy  
  
Steed (still on ladder): Can you see the word "Brolly" from there?  
  
Fancy (sarcastically): It's brilliant  
  
Steed (annoyed): Only a year the boss has had this store. Already, he wants a  
new sign.  
  
Fancy (shakes the ladder): Steed! This is important.  
  
Steed (distracted): Very important. I've got to find out what I did with that new  
shipment of brollies.   
  
(He climbs down the ladder and looks about himself)  
  
Fancy: What's with you? 4 « years I work with a man. 4 « years I think I know  
this man's character. I'm a victim of disappointment in you.  
  
Steed (still distracted): Now that's nice. Go play with the spies.  
  
Fancy: Don't mock the spies. We are the greatest.  
  
Steed: Were the greatest.  
  
Fancy: Are. Have you found something better?  
  
Steed: No but-  
  
Fancy: But what?  
  
Steed: It's nothing.  
  
Fancy: Ste-ed!  
  
Steed: Oh, fine. (Pause) Every single night for the last month I wake up . . . and  
I'm reaching out.  
  
Fancy: For what?  
  
Steed: I don't know. It's right outside the door, around the corner, but it's  
coming.  
  
Fancy: What is? Tell me!  
  
Steed: I don't know. It's like the kick I used to get out of being a spy.  
  
Fancy (quietly): Or from being chums.  
  
Steed: We're still chums.   
  
(Steed starts to sort through a box of umbrellas.)  
  
Fancy: That kick comes from people.  
  
Steed: Yes, but not from being a spy.  
  
Fancy: No? With a ministry, you're never alone. When your ministry's the best  
you're out in the sun home free home.  
  
Steed: Fancy, I've had it. As soon as you started fighting with the Amateurs, I  
knew enough was enough. I mean, how are we supposed to solve cases when  
you're too busy bloodying the stupid Amateurs. (Pauses his work.)  
  
Fancy: Steed, the trouble is large: the Amateurs fight hard. We've got to stop  
them now. We need you. (Pauses then continues) I've never asked the time of  
day from a clock, but I'm asking you. Please won't you come to the dance  
tonight? (Steed turns away) I already told the gang you'd be there.  
  
Steed (shaking his head): I've gotta finish taking inventory.  
  
Fancy (exasperated): Do it after the dance. Come on, Steed, for me!  
  
Steed (after a moment turns to him with a grin.): What time?  
  
Fancy: Ten?  
  
Steed: Ten it is, and I'll live to regret this. (Pauses and shakes his head) Nah,  
maybe not.  
  
Fancy: Who knows. Maybe what you've been waiting for will be at the dance.  
(He runs off.)  
  
Steed (quietly:- Who knows.  
  
(Music starts playing)  
  
Steed (sings): Could be. Who knows? There's something due any day. I will  
know right away, soon as it shows. It may come a-cannonballing, out of the sky,  
gleam in it's eye, bright as a rose. Who knows? It's only just out of reach, down  
a block, on a beach, under a tree. I got a feeling there's a miracle due, going to  
come through, coming to me! Could it be? Yes, it could. Something's coming,  
something good, if I can wait. Something's coming; I don't know what it is, but  
it is gonna be great! With a click, with a shock, phone will jingle, door will knock.  
Open the latch. Something's coming, don't know when, but it's soon, catch the  
moon, one handed catch! Around the corner or whistling down the river. Come  
on deliver to me! Will it be? Yes, it will. Maybe just by holding still, it'll be there.  
Come on, something, come on in, don't be shy, meet a guy, pull up a chair. The  
air is humming, and something great is coming. Who knows? It's only just out of  
reach, down a block, on a beach, maybe tonight, maybe tonight, maybe tonight! 


	4. Act One, Scene Three

SCENE THREE  
  
6:00 P.M. A bridal shop.  
  
A small section, enough to include a table with sewing machine, a chair or two.   
  
Cathy, an English woman with shoulder-length blondish-brown hair and slightly  
provocative clothes, is finishing remaking what was a yellow bridesmaid gown  
into a party dress for an extremely lovely young woman: Emma. Cathy is  
knowing, sexy, smart. Emma is an intelligent, witty lady with a taste for  
champagne and spying with her cousin, Martin King.  
  
Emma (holding out scissors): Please, Cathy, make the neck lower!  
  
Cathy: Stop it, Emma!  
  
Emma: One inch! How much can one little inch do?  
  
Cathy: Too much.   
  
Emma (exasperated): Cathy, I am no longer a little girl, I am a woman.  
  
Cathy: I know that and so will the men. (Glances at Emma's figure) That's the  
whole trouble.   
  
Emma: Please! One little inch, Cathy!  
  
Cathy: No, Martin made me promise.   
  
Emma: Martin! One month I have been in this country- do I ever even touch  
excitement? They never even let me join the Amateurs. For what did my fine  
cousin bring me here?  
  
Cathy: To marry Peter.  
  
Emma: When I look at Peter, nothing happens.  
  
Cathy (in annoyance): What do you expect to happen?  
  
Emma: I don't know. Something. What happens when you look at Martin?  
  
Cathy: It's when I don't look that it happens.  
  
Emma (mischievously): I think I will tell Mother and Father about you and Martin  
in the balcony of the movies.  
  
Cathy (threatening the dress): I'll rip this to shreds!  
  
Emma: No, but if perhaps you could manage to lower the neck-  
  
Cathy: Next year.  
  
Emma: Next year, I will be married, and no one will care if it is down to here,  
(indicates waist).   
  
Cathy: Then don't wear it and don't come with us to the dance.  
  
Emma (shocked): Don't come! (Grabs the dress) Could we not dye it red at  
least?  
  
Cathy: No, we could not. (helps Emma into the dress)  
  
Emma: Yellow is for little girls! I'll be the only one there in a yellow-  
  
Cathy: Well?  
  
Emma: It's a beautiful dress! Thank You!   
  
(As she hugs Cathy, King enters, followed by an annoyingly proper British gent:  
Peel)  
  
King: Are you ready?  
  
Emma: Come in, Martin! (Twirls) Is it not beautiful?  
  
King: Yes. (Kisses her) very.  
  
Cathy: I didn't quite hear . . .  
  
King (planting a passionate kiss on Cathy's cheek): Very beautiful.  
  
Emma (beckoning): Come in, Peter, do not be afraid.  
  
Peel (offended): But this is a shop for ladies.  
  
Cathy (teasing): We won't bite you til we know you better.  
  
Emma (impatiently cutting in): Martin, it is of the utmost importance that I enjoy  
myself dancing tonight.  
  
King (amused): Why?  
  
Emma (with proper, distinguished air): Because tonight is the real beginning of  
my life as a young lady of America!  
  
Emma twirls out of view. 


	5. Act One, Scene Four

SCENE FOUR  
  
10:00 P.M. The gym.  
  
Both gangs are dancing wildly, 60's style, with their bodies, but their faces,  
although they are enjoying themselves, remain cool, almost detached. The line  
between the two agencies is sharply defined by the clothes they wear, the Spies,  
girls as well as boys are dressed to the nines, while the Amateurs are wearing  
loud and flashy clothes of the era. The dancing is a physical and emotional  
release for the avengers.   
  
Emma enters with Peel, King, and Cathy. As she looks around, delighted, thrilled  
by this, her first American go-go, the Spies catch sight of King, who is being  
greeted by Croft, his lieutenant, and other Amateurs. As the music peters away,  
the Spies withdraw to one side of the hall, around Fancy. The Amateurs, seeing  
this, draw to their side around King. A brief consultation, and Fancy starts across  
with lieutenants to make his challenge to King, who starts with his lieutenants to  
meet him. The moment is brief but it would be disastrous if a smiling, overly  
cheerful young man of about thirty did not hurry forward. He is called Watney  
and he has tried out for both ministries and failed because of his stupidity, so  
has resorted to being a go-go caller.  
  
Watney: All right ladies and gentlemen! Attention please! (Hum of talk)  
Attention! (The talk finally stops.) Thank you! It sure is a fine turnout tonight.  
(Ad libs from the avengers.) We are all here to make new friends tonight and  
become closer to old ones, so we're going to have a few get-together dances!  
Now, I want you to form two circles: men on the outside, ladies on the inside.  
  
Gambit (mockingly) Where are you?  
  
Watney (Tries to laugh.): Funny! When the music stops, each man dances with  
whichever girl is opposite. O.K.? O.K. Two circles, everybody. (Everyone just  
stares at him and refuses to move.) Come on! It won't hurt you to try.  
  
Gambit (faking a limp): Oh, it hurts, it hurts!  
  
(Keller steps forward, and the two agencies remember what Prendergast said  
about protecting the citizens from the diabolical masterminds and decide to play  
along for the time being and the good of the public. Fancy steps forward and  
beckons to his girl, Hana. She is terribly attractive, and a crackshot even though  
she is not a member of either ministry. She slithers forward to take her place in  
the dance. The challenge is met by King, who steps forward, leading Cathy as  
though he were presenting the most magnificent lady in all the world. The  
others follow, forming the two circles requested.)  
  
Watney: That's it, everybody! Keep the ball rolling and all that rot! Round she  
goes where she stops, nobody knows!  
  
(Promenade music starts and the circles begin revolving. Watney, whistle in his  
mouth, is in the center with Keller. He blows the whistle and the music stops,  
leaving Spy males opposite Amateur females and vice versa. There is a moment  
of tenseness, then King reaches across the Spy girl opposite for Cathy's hand,  
and she comes to him. Fancy reaches for Hana, and the people in both agencies  
follow suit. The "get-together" has failed, and each gang is on its own side of  
the hall as the mambo starts. This turns into a challenge dance between King  
and Cathy- cheered on by the Amateurs- and Fancy and Hana- cheered on by  
the Spies. During it, Steed enters and is momentarily embraced by Fancy, who is  
delighted that his best friend did turn up. The dance builds wilder and wilder,  
until, at the peak, everybody is dancing and shouting "Go, Mambo!" It is at this  
moment that Emma and Steed— at opposite sides of the hall— see each other.  
They have been cheering on their respective friends, clapping in rhythm. Now,  
as they see each other, their voices die, their smiles fade, their hands slowly go  
to their sides. A delicate cha-cha begins as they walk slowly forward to meet  
each other and the ensemble fades into the background. Slowly, as though in a  
dream, they drift into the steps of the dance, always looking at each other,  
completely lost in each other; unaware of anyone, any place, any time, anything  
but each other. Finally, Steed tips his bowler to Emma and dares to break the  
romantic still.)  
  
Steed: You're not thinking I'm someone else?  
  
Emma (surprised): Of course not. Why would I think that?  
  
Steed: Or that we've met before?  
  
Emma (shakes her head): Most certainly we have not.  
  
Steed: I felt . . . I knew something never before was going to happen, had to  
happen, but this is so much more.  
  
(Steed reaches out to kiss her hand.)  
  
Emma (unamused): Your hands are cold.  
  
(Steed raises an eyebrow.)  
  
Emma (embarrassed): Mine, too. Do you mind?  
  
(Steed shakes his head. Emma places her hands in his coat pockets.)  
  
Emma: So warm.  
  
Steed: Thank you. You're quite beautiful yourself. So beautiful, in fact.  
  
Emma: Beautiful?  
  
(Steed snaps out of his reverie.)  
  
Steed: Uh, so much to believe. You're not making a joke.  
  
Emma: When I make a joke, you won't have to ask.  
  
(Emma and Steed inch closer to each other as the music reaches a climax. Just  
as a whistle blows, they fall into an impassioned kiss. King turns to look at just  
that moment and runs to his cousin's rescue.)  
  
King: Hey, you! Spy! Keep away from my cousin.  
  
Steed: Cousin? (Fancy steps up)  
  
King (to Emma): Can't you see he's one of them?  
  
Emma (indignantly): I saw only him.  
  
King (as Peter comes up): I told you, there's only one thing they want from a  
woman of your age.  
  
Steed: That's not true! (Aside) Well, it's partly true . . .  
  
Fancy: Calm down, Steed.  
  
Peter: Get away, you blackguard!   
  
Steed: You keep out of this, Peel! (To Emma) Don't listen to them!  
  
King: She will listen to her cousin before a-  
  
Fancy (overlapping): If you blokes want to settle-  
  
Watney: Please! Everything was going so well! Now come on, it won't hurt you  
to have a good time.  
  
King (to Peter): Take her home.  
  
Emma (pleadingly): It's my first American dance!  
  
King: Please. I only want what's best for you. After all, we are family.  
  
(Emma hesitates, gazing longingly at Steed, then starts out with Peter.)  
  
Peter (soothingly): Come now, Emma.   
  
(They continue out and Steed's eyes follow them.)  
  
Steed: Emma . . .  
  
(He is completely oblivious to King crossing toward him, who is intercepted by  
Fancy.)  
  
King (brushing Fancy aside): I don't want you, I want him. (Indicating Steed)  
  
Fancy: I want you though. For a war council- Spies and Amateurs.  
  
King (a smile playing across his lips): The pleasure is mine.  
  
Fancy: Let's go outside.  
  
King: I will not leave the ladies alone here with the night air and your cronies  
buzzing about. We will meet at midnight.  
  
Fancy: At West Side Brolly? (King nods) All right, but no funny business before  
then.  
  
King: Oh, I understand the rules, goodie-goodie.  
  
Fancy: Spread the word, Basil.  
  
Basil: Right, daddy-o!  
  
Steed: Emma . . .  
  
Steed (chants dreamily over the music): The most beautiful sound I ever heard!  
  
Voices (offstage): Emma! Emma! Emma! Emma!  
  
Steed: All the beautiful sounds of the world in a single word.  
  
Voices (offstage): Emma! Emma! Emma! Emma! (Swelling in intensity) Emma!  
Emma!  
  
Steed (sings): Oh, Emma! I just met a girl nam-ed Emma, and suddenly, that  
name will never be the same to me. Oh, Emma! I just kissed a girl nam-ed  
Emma, and suddenly, I've found how wonderful a sound can be! Oh, Emma! Say  
it loud and there's music playing! Say it soft, and it's almost like praying. Oh,  
Emma, I'll never stop saying Oh, Emma! Oh, Emma! Oh, Emma! Oh, Emma, oh,  
Emma! Oh Emma! Oh Emma! Oh Emma! Oh, Emma! Oh, Emma! Say it loud and  
there's music playing! Say it soft, and it's almost like praying. Oh, Emma, I'll  
never stop saying Oh, Emma! The most beautiful sound I ever heard! Oh, Em-  
ma! 


	6. Act One, Scene Five

SCENE FIVE  
  
11:00 P.M. The rooftop.  
  
(Cathy and King enter, followed by Croft, Peel, and several girls. One is a  
bleached-blonde bangled beauty: Georgie. The other, Venus, is also a blonde  
and not too bright.)  
  
Cathy (to King): Stop lecturing Emma. She has a mother and a father.  
  
King: They do not know this country any better than she does.  
  
Cathy: And you don't know it at all! Girls here are free to have fun. She-is-in-  
America-now.  
  
King (exaggeratedly sarcastic): But Great-Britain-is-more-liberated-than-  
America-now. And I still draw the line.  
  
Cathy (in disgust): Ai!  
  
Croft (with concern): Is Emma alright?  
  
Cathy: I should be so alright  
  
King (ignoring her): It won't happen again. We're going to settle with the Spies  
tonight.  
  
Cathy: Now they will use her as an excuse to start World War III. She was only  
dancing.  
  
King: With a Spy.  
  
Cathy: You would try out to be a Spy yourself if you thought you could make it.  
  
King (annoyed): You are not so cute.  
  
Venus: That Steed is.  
  
Cathy: And he works for the ministry.  
  
Peel: Under a man called Mother, using West Side Brolly as their headquarters.  
  
Cathy: Steed makes twice what the Amateurs make.  
  
King: Who said money is everything?  
  
Cathy: You did, last week.  
  
King: Ha, ha. If I had only not given up my practice!  
  
Cathy: But you did-  
  
King: And came to this lousy country. We all came here ready, eager, like little  
children.  
  
Cathy (mocking): I know, with our hearts open-  
  
Georgie: Our arms open!  
  
Croft: You came with your mouth open!  
  
Georgie (shocked): Well, you'll go back with handcuffs!  
  
Cathy: Why go back at all?  
  
King: It appears my little flower's been brainwashed! What has happened to  
your national devotion?  
  
Cathy (exasperated): Nothing!  
  
King: Sure. You only want to forget your native country and live here forever.  
  
Cathy: Oh, no. That's not true: (sings) Oh, Great Britain, my heart's devotion, let  
it sink back in the ocean. Always the farmers are hoeing always the population  
growing and the money owing and the rain comes pouring and the natives  
snoring. I like the island Manhattan.   
  
Georgie: I know you do.  
  
Cathy: Smoke on your pipe and put that in!   
  
Girls: I like to be in America. Lovely by me in America! Everything free in  
America!  
  
King: For a small fee in America.  
  
Cathy: Having your own home is so nice  
  
King: If you can handle the large price.  
  
Penelope: I have my own car I can drive  
  
Croft: Hope you can stay on the right side.  
  
Cathy: Skyscrapers bloom in America  
  
Penelope: Cadillacs zoom in America  
  
Georgie: Industry boom in America  
  
Men: Soon there's no room in America!  
  
Cathy: Lots of new housing with more space  
  
King: Working all day just to keep the place  
  
Cathy: I think that I'll run for President.  
  
King: Better get rid of your accent!  
  
Cathy: Life can be bright in America!  
  
Men: If you can fight in America!  
  
Girls: Life is alright in America!  
  
Men: If you have spite in America!  
  
All: La la la la la America! America! La la la la la America! America!  
  
Georgie/Cathy: Here you can uncover vast lies  
  
Men: If you get there before the Spies.  
  
Georgie/Cathy: Free to be anything you choose.  
  
Men: Unless you've been to college, you lose.  
  
King: Everywhere grime in America, organized crime in America, terrible time in  
America  
  
Cathy: You forget I'm in America!  
  
King: I think I'll go back to UK  
  
Cathy: I know a plane that leaves today.  
  
Girls: Bye-bye!  
  
King: Ha, ha! Everyone there will give three cheers!  
  
Cathy: Everyone there will have moved here!  
  
(The song ends in a joyous dance and the couples start to leave until only King  
and Cathy remain)  
  
King: Meet me on the roof here later.  
  
(Cathy imitates his statement)  
  
King: Well, are you or aren't you?  
  
(Cathy mimics him again)  
  
King (getting peeved): Well, are you?  
  
Cathy (huffily): You have your big important war council. (He tries to kiss her  
but she brushes him off) The council or me?  
  
King: First one. (Kisses her) Then, the other.  
  
Cathy (breaking away from him): I'm an American girl now, I don't wait.  
  
King: Before you joined the Amateurs, you obeyed me.  
  
Cathy: Before you joined the Amateurs, you didn't have war councils.  
  
King: War councils are American. Don't you want me to be American?  
  
Cathy (exasperated): Ai!  
  
(The stage blacks out. The next thing we see is what is presumably the exterior  
of the flat. There is a suggestion of buildings; a fire escape climbing to the rear  
window of the flat. Suddenly, out of the dark steps Steed, who has obviously  
figured out where Emma lives because it is also his enemy's home)  
  
Steed: Emma! Emma!  
  
Emma: Sh!  
  
Steed: Emma!  
  
Emma: Be quiet!  
  
Steed: Come down!  
  
Emma: No.  
  
Steed: Emma!  
  
Emma: Please, my mother and father will wake up.  
  
Steed: Just for a minute.  
  
Emma (smiles): A minute is not enough.  
  
Steed (smiles) : For an hour then?  
  
Emma: I cannot.  
  
Steed (shouting): Then forever!  
  
Emma: Sh!  
  
Steed: I'm coming up!  
  
Father (from offstage apartment): Emma?  
  
Emma: In a minute, Father. Now see what you've done?  
  
Steed (climbing up): I do beg your pardon!  
  
Emma (reaching out to stop him): Sh! It's dangerous, if Martin knew . . .  
  
Steed (grabbing her hand): I won't let him know. I am not one of them, Emma,  
I've retired.  
  
Emma: But you are not one of us, and I am not one of you.  
  
Steed: To me you're all the beautiful . . .  
  
(She covers his mouth with her hand.)  
  
Father (from the unseen flat): Princess?  
  
Emma: Yes, I'm coming, Father.  
  
Steed: Princess?  
  
Emma: His pet name for me.  
  
Steed: I like him! And he will like me.  
  
Emma: No, he is like Martin- afraid. (Suddenly laughing.) Imagine being afraid  
of you.  
  
Steed: You see?  
  
Emma (touching his face): I see you.   
  
Steed: Oh, Emma, see only me!  
  
Emma (sings): Only you, you're the only thing I'll see forever. In my eyes, in my  
words, and in everything I do, nothing else but you, ever.  
  
Steed: And there's nothing for me but my Emma. Every sight that I see is my  
Emma.  
  
Emma: Ste-ed Ste-ed.  
  
Steed: Always you, every thought I'll ever know, everywhere I go, you'll be  
  
Emma: All the world is only  
  
Emma/Steed: You and me!  
  
Emma: Tonight, tonight, it all began tonight. I saw you, and the world went  
away!  
  
Steed: Where'd it go?  
  
Emma: Tonight, tonight, there's only you tonight, what you are, what you do,  
what you say!  
  
Steed: Today all day I had the feeling, a miracle would happen, I know now I  
was right (aside) I'm always right,  
  
Emma/Steed: For here you are, and what was just a world is a star tonight!  
Tonight, tonight, the world is full of light with suns and moons all over the place.  
Tonight, tonight, the world is wild and bright, going mad, shooting sparks into  
space! Today the world was just an address, a place for me to live in, no better  
than alright. But here you are, and what was just a world is a star tonight!  
  
Father: Princess, it's time for sleep.  
  
Emma: I cannot stay. Go quickly.  
  
Steed: I'm not afraid.  
  
Emma (crossly): You should be! (More gently) Please.  
  
Steed (kissing her): Goodnight.  
  
Emma: Goodnight.  
  
Steed: I love you.  
  
Emma: Yes, yes. Hurry! (He climbs down) Steed? When will I see you? (He  
starts back up)  
  
Steed: Tomorrow.  
  
Emma: I work at the bridal shop across the street from West Side Brolly.  
  
Steed: I'll come there.  
  
Emma: At closing time: six o' clock. (He starts off.)  
  
Steed: Yeah, yeah. Good night.  
  
Emma: Steed?  
  
Steed: Sh, remember?  
  
Emma: Oh. When you come, use the back door.  
  
Steed (again, he starts off): Whatever you say.  
  
Emma: Steed? (He stops. A pause.) What's your first name?  
  
Steed: John.  
  
Emma: I love you, John.  
  
Steed: I love you, Emma.  
  
Steed/Emma (sing): Goodnight, goodnight, sleep well, and when you dream,  
dream of me, tonight!  
  
(She goes inside and he sneaks away as the scene fades to black.) 


	7. Act One, Scene Six

SCENE SIX  
  
Midnight. West Side Brolly   
  
A suggestion of a run down, musty store that sells fine gentlemen's acessories  
like bowlers and brollies. A door leading to the Street outside; another leading to  
the cellar below.  
  
Tara is reading a secret dossier on John Steed; Purdey is playing solitaire; Keel is  
huddled by the checkout counter; Gambit is watching the street door. The  
atmosphere is tense, jumpy. Gambit slams the door and strides to a bin of  
brollies.   
  
Gambit: Where the devil are they? Are we having a war council tonight or aint  
we? (He pulls a brolly out and stabs the air with it.)  
  
Purdey: They probably chickened out.  
  
Tara (her eyes widening as she reads): He doesn't use knives. He doesn't even  
use an atomic ray gun.  
  
Keel (interested): Who doesn't?  
  
Tara (sighing): Steed. Gee, I love him.  
  
Purdey (Disgusted): So marry him.  
  
Tara (wistfully): Oh, I'll never get to marry Steed! I'm too young.  
  
Gambit: You'll never get to marry anyone. Too stupid.  
  
(Tara whacks him one with her purse again.)  
  
Gambit: Oh, you got me! (Clutching his belly, he spins to the floor. Just at that  
moment, Basil slams into the room and they all jump)  
  
Gambit: What the devil's the matter with you?  
  
Basil: I had a run in with Keller, that's all.  
  
Keel: Oh, wonderful! Did he follow you here?  
  
Basil: I don't know.  
  
Tara: Great! Soon all the diabolical masterminds will know that West Side Brolly  
is our headquarters.  
  
Gambit: Aw, go walk the streets.  
  
Tara: Listen, playboy, I hit you twice, and I'll do it again! (Tara lunges at Gambit  
and the rest of the Spies begin to cheer one or the other on. Suddenly, Fancy  
enters with Smyth, Hana, and Diana.)  
  
Fancy: Come on, Tara, knock it off! (To the rest) Spies all present and  
accounted for? (Sounds of assent) Good. You all did well at the dance, I'm proud  
of you.  
  
Gambit (impatiently): Where are the Amateurs??  
  
Fancy: Unwind, Gambit! (In concern) Any sign of Steed?  
  
Gambit (sarcastically) : Naw, he's the invisible man.  
  
Purdey: What do you think the Amateurs are going to ask for?  
  
Fancy (grinning): Mercy!  
  
Keel: Just rubber hoses, I hope.  
  
Fancy: Relax a little, chums.  
  
Hana (boldly): You tell them, George.  
  
Gambit (excitedly): I'm ready! (Gambit begins to make war whoops)  
  
Fancy: Calm down, man.  
  
Tara: Fancy, in a tight spot, you need every man you can get!  
  
Fancy: No!  
  
Hana (indicating Tara to Diana): A British tragedy.  
  
Tara ("shooting her"): Pow!  
  
Diana (unamused): That's really scarey.   
  
Fancy: Now when the Amateurs come in, you two will have to leave.  
  
Hana: We might -  
  
Diana (interrupting): And then again, we might not.  
  
Smyth: This is no place for ladies.  
  
Diana: Hana and I aren't ladies. Are we, Hana?  
  
Hana: No thank you!  
  
(Keller casually enters the store. All eyes turn accusingly to Basil, who slinks in  
the corner.)  
  
Fancy: Top of the evening, Professor Keller.   
  
Keller: You Spies are really beginning to annoy me. Now that I know where your  
headquarters are (Looks about the store) I can sneak up on you and dispatch  
you any time I want.  
  
Gambit (angrily): If you try anything . . .  
  
Keller(grinning evilly): Why shouldn't I? (He prepares to strike Gambit, but at the  
last second changes his mind.) Nah, I'll let Prendergast share the glory with me.  
Won't he be proud that I've finally infiltrated Spy territory. (He laughs maniacally  
and exits) I'll be back!  
  
Purdey: How do you like that? Didn't even say goodbye!  
  
Gambit (in fake disgust): Those criminals have no manners.  
  
Keel (quietly): He was really angry.  
  
Fancy: And what happened? A big fat nothing!  
  
Keel (nervously): But he said he'd be back!  
  
Fancy: So what! With Keller, it's all just talk. Besides, he's got no personal  
reason to hate us. The Amateurs are the ones who ran him in. You see those  
diabolical masterminds, they believe everything they here about us bloody spies.  
So that's what we give them: something to believe in.  
  
Smyth (posing as Keller) Hey, you!  
  
Fancy: Who, me, Professor Keller?  
  
Smyth: Yeah, you! Give me one good reason for not murdering you in cold  
blood, you copper!  
  
Fancy (sings): Deeeeear Kind Professor Keller, you gotta understand, inside  
we're really yeller, e'en though we act so grand. Our mothers all were cowards,  
our fathers were slobby. Golly Moses, naturally we're bobbies!  
  
All: Dear Professor Keller, we're really upset, we got more bringing up than any  
chap ought to get. We aren't top-notch agents, you misunderstood, deep down  
in side us we're no good! We're no good! We're no good, we're no good we're  
no earthly good, like the best of us no bloody good!  
  
Smyth (imitating Keller): That's a touching good story  
  
Fancy: Let me tell it to the world!  
  
Smyth (imitating Keller): Just tell it to my boss.  
  
Fancy (to Keel): Deeeeeer Pendergast, your meanness, my parents were too  
good, they never strove for keenness the way an agent should. They were too  
good to have me, but somehow I was had. Leaping lizards, that's why I'm so  
bad!  
  
Keel (imitating Prendergast): Professor Keller, you're really a square, this bloke  
shouldn't be killed, he needs an analyst's care. It's just his neurosis that ought to  
be curbed. He's psychologically disturbed!  
  
Fancy: I'm disturbed!  
  
All: We're disturbed, we're disturbed, we're the most disturbed! Like we're  
psychologically disturbed!  
  
Keel (speaks, still acting part of Prendergast): Hear ye! Hear ye! In the opinion  
of this boss, this chap is depraved on account of his normal home.  
  
Fancy: Hey! I'm depraved on account of I'm deprived!  
  
Keel (as Prendergast): So, take him to a head shrinker. You, Gambit!  
  
Gambit: Me?  
  
All: Yeah!  
  
Fancy (to Gambit): Myyyyyy daddy spoils my mommy, my mommy coddles me,  
my grandpa's name is Tommy. My grandma's name is Leigh. My brother is a  
vicar, my sister is a nun, Goodness gracious! That's why I'm no fun!  
  
Gambit (as psychiatrist): Yes, Professor Keller, he shouldn't be here, this bloke  
don't need a couch, he needs a hitman career. Society's played him a terrible  
trick, und sociologically he's sick!  
  
Fancy: I am sick!   
  
All: We are sick we are sick we are sick, sick, sick. Like we're sociologi-cally sick!  
  
Gambit (speaks as psychiatrist): In my opinion, this chap doesn't need his head  
shrunk at all. Joining the ministry is due to his social disease.  
  
Fancy: Hey! I got a social disease!  
  
Gambit (as psychiatrist): So take him to a social worker!  
  
Fancy (to Purdey): Deeeeeear kindly social worker, they tell me get a job, like be  
a con or shirker, which means I'd be a slob! It's not I'm anti-social, I'm only anti-  
crime. Glory be, I'll make them all do time!  
  
Purdey (as social worker): Professor Keller, you've done it again, he doesn't  
need to kill he's just a ministry man. It's not just a question of misunderstood,  
deep down inside him he's all good!  
  
Fancy: I'm all good!  
  
All: We're all good, we're all good, we're all good good good! Like inside the  
worst of us, we're good!  
  
Keel (as Prendergast): Good lord, this man's an agent,   
  
Gambit (as psychiatrist): Yes, he's a super Spy!   
  
Purdey (as social worker): It's not like we could change it,   
  
Keel (as Prendergast): I guess he'll have to die!   
  
Gambit (as psychiatrist): The trouble is that early,   
  
Purdey (as social worker): The virtue seed was sown.  
  
All: Keller, we've got troubles of our own! Gee, Professor Keller, we're down on  
our knees.   
  
Fancy: Please don't kill me now, it's just my social disease!  
  
All: Professor Keller, what are we to do? Guess we're gonna have to kill you!  
  
(At the end of the song, a middle-aged fat man in a wheelchair enters from the  
doorway behind the counter. He is Mother, the Spies' "boss")  
  
Mother: What are you all doing here this late?  
  
Gambit (sardonically): We've all got insomnia tonight. Keel prescribed a war  
council.  
  
Mother (ignoring last statement): Have any of you seen Steed? If he's not going  
to be part of the agency, he should at least do his job at the store so we can  
maintain our cover.  
  
Fancy: I hate to say this, but the cover's just been blown.  
  
(Basil is by now hiding under a table)  
  
Mother: Good job, Basil. Well, I'll be looking for a new meeting place then?  
  
Keel: I'm afraid so.  
  
Mother: My own nephew!  
  
Basil (peeking from underneath the table): I don't suppose a "sorry" would do  
much good?  
  
All: NO!  
  
Mother: Well, back to the matter at hand. Where is Steed? He's supposed to be  
taking inventory, not that it matters now. (Glaring at table)  
  
Smyth: He was at the dance, and I assume he's coming to the war council.  
  
Mother: War council? You aren't planning to fight the Amateurs again, are you?  
(All look shamefaced) I told you that these barneys weren't good for our image.  
If you want to be the top agents, you must remain dignified and not give in to  
these sentimental whims.  
  
Gambit: Get with the times! The Amateurs won't back down unless we cut them  
down to size. Being gentlemanly don't slice it no more.  
  
Mother: How would you know? You've never tried it! Why when I was your age-  
  
Gambit: When you were my age, when Steed was my age! You were never my  
age, either of you! The sooner you get that into your heads the sooner-  
  
(At this moment, King and three other Amateurs enter. Fancy motions for Hana  
and to leave. Followed by Diana, she runs out, passing the Amateurs. Tara is  
back huddled by the counter, but Fancy spots her. She gives him a pleading let-  
me-stay look, but he gestures for her to go. Unlike the other girls, as she exits,  
she shoves the Amateurs like a big tough man)  
  
Fancy (to Keel and Gambit): Set em up, Gambit! Champagne all around! (Keel  
pulls a bottle of champagne from his coat and Gambit provides the glasses)  
  
King (irritated): Let's get down to business. I don't like you either, so cut the  
small talk.  
  
Fancy: No champagne, Keel.  
  
(Keel shakes his head in disappointment and throws the bottle out the window.  
Gambit does the same with the glasses.)  
  
Mother: I'll leave you fools to your own demise (Exits)  
  
(The two groups take places behind their leaders.)  
  
Fancy: I challenge you to a duel. Accept?  
  
King (suspicious): On what terms?  
  
Fancy: Whatever terms you're calling. You've crossed the line once too often.  
  
King: You started it.  
  
Fancy: Who jumped Gambit this afternoon?  
  
King: Who jumped me the first day I moved here?  
  
Fancy: Who asked you to move here?  
  
Croft: Who asked you?  
  
Basil: Move where you're wanted.  
  
Purdey: Back where you came from.  
  
Peel: It's the same place you came from!  
  
Gambit: Swine!  
  
Croft: Bloody bounders!  
  
Venus: Stuffed-shirt pigs!  
  
King: We accept!   
  
Fancy: Time:  
  
King: Tomorrow?  
  
Fancy: After dark. (They shake hands) Place?  
  
King: The park.  
  
Fancy: The river.  
  
King: Under the highway. (They shake again)  
  
Fancy: Weapons?  
  
(Steed bursts in yelling)  
  
Steed: Hey, Mother- (he stops because he sees them. Silence. Then he comes  
forward.)  
  
Fancy: Weapons?  
  
(Mother returns to the room)  
  
King: Hmm, weapons . . .  
  
Fancy: You call.  
  
King: Your challenge.  
  
Fancy: Afraid to call?  
  
(After a pause, King says)  
  
King: Sticks . . .  
  
Fancy . . . Rocks  
  
King: . . . Belts  
  
Fancy: . . . Cans  
  
King: . . . Bricks (Gambit cringes)  
  
Fancy: Bats!  
  
King: Clubs!  
  
Fancy: Chains!  
  
Steed: Bottles, knives, guns! (They all stare.) What a coop full of chickens!  
  
Gambit: Who you calling chicken?  
  
King: Every dog knows his own.  
  
Steed: I'm calling you all cowards. The big tough spies have to throw bricks.  
Afraid to get close in? Afraid to slug it out? Afraid to use plain skin?  
  
Keel: Not even syringes?  
  
Gambit: That isn't a duel!!  
  
Fancy: Who says?  
  
King: You said 'call weapons.'  
  
Steed: A duel can be clinched by a fair fight . . . if you have the guts to risk it.  
The best man from each group to slug it out.  
  
King (looking at Steed): I'd enjoy to risk that. OK, fair fight.  
  
Croft: What!  
  
Gambit (simultaneously): No!  
  
Fancy: Commanders say yes or no. (To King) Fair fight. (They shake hands.)  
  
King (To Steed) In two minutes you will be like a fish after skinning.  
  
Fancy: Your best man fights our best man— and we pick him. (He claps Smyth  
on the shoulder.)  
  
King (confused): But I thought I would be—   
  
Fancy: We shook on it, King.  
  
King (angry): Yes, I shook on it.  
  
Gambit (quickly): Look King, if you wanna change your mind, maybe we could  
all—   
  
(Basil, who is near the door, whistles. Instantly, they shift positions so they are  
mixed up, no prejudice. Silence; then in comes Prendergast. During the  
following, the agencies are absolutely silent and motionless, unless indicated.)  
  
Mother (cooly): Good evening, Prendergast, Steed and I were just closing up.  
  
Prendergast (evilly): Clear out Amateurs. Sure it's a free country and I don't  
have the right, but, remember that it's a country with laws. And I would just  
love to break one. I've got the weapon right now, and you don't. (Pulls out a  
gun) It's tough all over. Beat it.  
  
(A second goes by. Then Fancy nods once to King, who nods to his group.  
Slowly they file out.)  
  
Prendergast (still evil): Say, where's this duel going to be? The river? The park?  
(Silence) I'll even lend a hand if it gets rough. Where are you going to duel? The  
playground? Macy's department store? (angered by the silence) You think I'm  
just a diabolical mastermind? I want to get rid of the cowards, too! C'mon,  
where's it going to be? Get smart, you stupid spies! I ought to murder all of you  
for not cooperating. I ought to smash your delicate skulls to a pulp. I'll find out  
where you're going to rumble! But make sure to finish each other off, cause if  
you don't I will!  
  
(Fancy deliberately starts for the door, followed by the others, except Steed.  
Fancy stays at the door until the others pass through. Now he looks at  
Prendergast and cockily saunters out. Silence)  
  
(Prendergast Looks at Mother): Well, you try to be nice to your enemies and see  
what it does to you.(Exits)  
  
Mother (Indicating Prendergast.): It wouldn't make me demented like him.  
  
Steed: Forget him. From here on in, everything goes my way. (He starts to take  
inventory.)  
  
Mother: You think it will really be a fair fight? Not that I care.  
  
Steed (smiling): Yes!  
  
Mother: What have you been taking tonight?  
  
Steed: A trip to the moon! And I'll tell you a secret, Mother. It isn't a man that's  
up there. It's a girl, a lady! (He starts singing "Emma" softly to himself.)  
  
Mother: Emma? As in Emma Knight, Martin King's cousin? (Light dawning on  
him) So that's why you made it a fair fight! (Steed grins) Stee-eed! Things aren't  
tough enough?  
  
Steed: Tough? Mother, I'm in love!  
  
Mother: Steed, that's nonsense! How do you know you're in love?  
  
Steed: Because . . . there isn't any other way I could feel.  
  
Mother: And you're not frightened?  
  
Steed: Should I be?  
  
Mother: As a spy, no. As a man, yes. (Mother opens door and exits. He leaves  
Steed to take inventory.) 


	8. Act One, Scene Seven

SCENE SEVEN  
  
5:45 p.m. The next day. The bridal shop   
  
Hot late afternoon sun colouring the workroom. One or two sewing machines.  
Several dress maker dummies, male and female, in bridal party garb.   
  
Emma, in a smock is playing with a hat. Venus, Georgie, and Penelope are  
gazing at her curiously.  
  
Venus: What has Peter done to her?  
  
Emma: Peter? Why Peter?  
  
Penelope: Maybe she is just dolling up for us. Thank you, darling.  
  
Emma: Penelope, Georgie, my adorable friends, can you keep a secret?  
  
Venus: I'm hot for secrets!  
  
Emma: No, I won't tell you.  
  
Georgie: What?  
  
Emma: What!  
  
Venus: The poor girl is out of her mind.  
  
Emma: I am crazy!  
  
Penelope: She might be a double, she looks somehow different.  
  
Emma: I do?  
  
Penelope: And I think she is up to something.  
  
Emma: I am.  
  
Venus: I do, I am, she talks like a parrot!   
  
Penelope: What is going on with you, Emma?  
  
Emma (sings): I feel pretty, I feel pretty, I feel pretty and witty and gay! And I  
pity any girl who isn't me today. I feel charming, oh, so charming! It's alarming  
how charming I feel! And so pretty, that I hardly can believe I'm real. See the  
pretty girl in that mirror there? Who can that attractive girl be? Such a pretty  
face, such a pretty dress, such a pretty smile, such a pretty me! I feel stunning,  
and entrancing, feel like running and dancing indeed! For I'm loved by a pretty  
wonderful Steed!  
  
P/G/V: What?? (singing) Have you met my good friend, Miss Emma, the craziest  
girl on the block? You'll know her the minute you see her. She's the one who is  
in an advanced state of shock. She thinks she's in love; I think she's a pain.   
  
Emma (SINGS tipsily): La la la!  
  
She isn't in love she's merely insane.   
  
Penelope: It must be the heat,   
  
Georgie: or some rare disease,   
  
Penelope: or too much to eat,   
  
Georgie: or maybe it's fleas.   
  
P/G/V Keep away from her! Send for Peter! I hope that he will rush to meet her!  
Modest and pure, polite and refined  
  
Emma (SINGS tipsily): La la la!  
  
P/G/V (singing): Well-bred and mature, and OUT OF HER MIND!  
  
P/G/V: Miss America!  
  
Georgie: You are sure to win the pageant!  
  
Penelope: Miss America, bravo! Speech!  
  
P/G/V: Speech!  
  
Emma: I feel pretty, oh, so pretty, that the city should give me it's key! A  
committee should be organized to honor me.  
  
P/G/V: La la la la la la la la la la!  
  
Emma: I feel dizzy, I feel sunny, I feel fizzy and funny and fine! And so pretty  
Miss America can just resign.  
  
P/G/V: La la la la la la la la la la!  
  
Emma: See the pretty girl in that mirror there?   
  
P/G/V: What mirror? Where?  
  
Emma: Who can that attractive girl be?   
  
Venus: Which  
  
Penelope: One?  
  
Georgie: Where?   
  
P/G/V: Who?  
  
Emma: Such a pretty face, such a pretty dress, such a pretty smile, such a  
pretty me!   
  
Penelope: Such a pretty me!  
  
Venus: Such a pretty me!   
  
Georgie: Such a pretty me!  
  
Emma and the rest: I feel stunning, and entrancing, feel like running and  
dancing indeed! For I'm loved by a pretty wonderful Steed!  
  
(They all laugh. Cathy enters from the other room.)  
  
Cathy: The jail is open, girls! It's closing time! (The girls cheer and exit the shop.  
Cathy looks at Emma expectantly.)  
  
Emma (flushes): You go, Cathy, I will finish this veil and lock up.  
  
Cathy: Finish tomorrow.  
  
Emma (lightly): I am in no hurry.  
  
Cathy: I am. I'm going to take a bubble bath all during supper: Black Orchid.  
  
Emma (amused): Black Orchid? You will not eat.  
  
Cathy: After the duel— with Martin.  
  
Emma (suspiciously): What duel?  
  
Cathy (lightly): Oh, just Martin and one of those men at the dance.  
  
Emma (exasperated): Why must they always fight?  
  
Cathy (shrugging): You saw how they dance: like they have to get rid of  
something, quick. That's how they fight.  
  
Emma: To get rid of what?  
  
Cathy: Too much feeling. And they do get rid of it. After a fight, that cousin of  
yours is so healthy. Definitely Black Orchid!  
  
(There is a knock at the door, and Steed enters.)  
  
Steed: Good Evening.  
  
Cathy (looking in disgust at Emma): "You go, I will finish up."  
  
Emma (defensively): He just came from across the street to sell us some  
bowlers.   
  
Cathy: You're out of your heads!  
  
Steed: No, we're out of the world — Twelve feet in the air!  
  
Emma (somewhat briskly): Cathy can see that. (to Cathy) You will not tell?  
  
Cathy: Tell what? How can I hear what goes on twelve feet above my head?  
(Opens door. To Emma) You better be home in fifteen minutes. (She goes out.)  
  
Steed: Don't worry. She likes us!  
  
Emma: But she is worried.   
  
Steed: She's foolish! We are untouchable.   
  
Emma: Are you going to that duel?  
  
Steed (surprised): No.  
  
Emma: Yes! You must stop it.  
  
Steed: I have stopped it. It's only a fist fight. Martin won't get—   
  
Emma: Any fight is not good for us.  
  
Steed: Everything is good for us, and we are good for everything.  
  
Emma: Listen and hear me: You must go and stop it.  
  
Steed: It means that much to you? (Emma nods.) Then I will.  
  
Emma: I believe you.  
  
Steed: You go home and dress up. Then tonight, I will come by for you.  
  
Emma: You cannot come by. My mother . . .  
  
Steed (after a pause): Then I will take you to my house.  
  
Emma (shaking her head): Your mother.  
  
(Another awkward pause. Then he sees a female dummy and pushes it forward)  
  
Steed: She will com running from the kitchen to welcome you. She lives in the  
kitchen.  
  
Emma (amused): Dressed so elegantly?  
  
Steed: I told her you were coming. She will look at your face and try not to  
smile. And she will say: Skinny — but pretty.  
  
Emma (wryly): She is plump, no doubt.  
  
Steed (laughing): Fat!  
  
Emma (indicating another female dummy): I take after my mother; delicate-  
boned. (He kisses her.) Not in front of Mother! (He turns the dummy around as  
she goes to a male dummy.) Oh, I would like to see Father in this! Mother will  
make him ask about your prospects, if you go to church. But Father — Father  
might like you.   
  
Steed (kneeling to the "father" dummy): May I have your daughter's hand?  
  
Emma: He says yes!  
  
Steed: Thank you!  
  
Emma: And your mother?  
  
Steed (feigning a blush): I'm afraid to ask her.  
  
Emma: Tell her she's not getting a daughter, she's getting rid of a son!  
  
Steed: That might make her change her mind. Mother? (Waits expectantly for  
the answer.) She says yes!  
  
Emma (smiling): She has good taste. (She grabs up the wedding veil and puts it  
on as Steed arranges the dummies.)  
  
Steed: Maid of Honor!  
  
Emma: No, that colour is bad for Cathy.  
  
Steed (grabbing "father" dummy): Best man!  
  
Emma (in pretend shock): That is my Father!  
  
Steed (tips his bowler to dummy): Sorry, Father. Here we go, Fancy!   
  
Emma (to female dummy): Now you see, Cathy, I told you there was nothing to  
worry about.  
  
(Music starts as she leaves the dummy and walks up to Steed. They look at each  
other—and the play-acting vanishes. Slowly, seriously, they turn front and kneel  
together as at an altar.)  
  
Steed: I, John, take thee, Emma . . .  
  
Emma: I, Emma, take thee, John . . .  
  
Steed: For richer, for poorer . . .  
  
Emma: In sickness and in health . . .   
  
Steed: To love and to honour . . .  
  
Emma: To hold and to keep . . .   
  
Steed: From each sun to each moon . . .  
  
Emma: From tomorrow til tomorrow . . .  
  
Steed: From now to forever . . .  
  
Emma: Til death do us part . . .  
  
Steed (pauses): With this ring, I thee wed.  
  
Emma: With this ring, I thee wed.  
  
Steed (sings): Make of our hands, one hand. Make of our hearts, one heart.  
Make of our vows, one last vow. Only death will part us now.   
  
Emma: Make of our lives, one life. Day after day, one life.  
  
Both: Now it begins, now we start, one hand, one heart— Even death won't part  
us now.  
  
  
ACT ONE FINIS 


	9. Act Two, Scene One

ACT TWO   
  
SCENE ONE  
  
6:00 TO 9:00 p.m. The neighborhood.   
  
Spotlights pick out Fancy and the Spies, King and the Amateurs, Cathy, Emma and Steed against small sets representing different places in the neighborhood. All are waiting expectantly for the coming of night, but for very different reasons.  
  
Spies: The spies are going to have their day tonight. The spies are going to have there way tonight. The Amateurs, they grumble "fair fight," but if they start a rumble, we'll rumble them right!  
  
Amateurs: We're gonna hand them a surprise tonight. We're gonna cut them down to size tonight! We say "ok, no rumpus, no tricks." But just in case they jump us, we're ready to mix! Tonight!  
  
Spies: We're gonna rock it tonight, we're gonna jazz it up and have us a ball  
  
Amateurs: They're gonna get it tonight, the more they turn it up, the harder they fall.  
  
Spies: We'll they began it—   
  
Amateurs: Well they began it—   
  
Both groups: And we're the one to stop them once and for all. Tonight!  
  
Cathy: Cathy is gonna get her kicks tonight. We'll have our private little mix tonight! He'll walk in hot and tired, Poor dear! Won't matter if he's tired as long as he's here! Tonight!  
  
Steed: Tonight, tonight, won't be just any night. Tonight there will be no morning star! Tonight, tonight, I'll see my love tonight. And for us stars will stop where they are!  
  
Emma: Today, the minutes seem like hours. The hours go so slowly, and still the sky is light. Oh, moon grow bright and make this endless day endless night!   
  
Spies: The spies are coming out on top tonight! We're gonna watch that Martin drop tonight! The Amateur punk'll go down, and when he's hollered "uncle," will tear up the town!  
  
Fancy: We'll be in back of you, man!  
  
Smyth: Right!  
  
Fancy: You're gonna flatten him good!  
  
Smyth: Right!  
  
Fancy: One, two, three!  
  
Smyth: One, two, three  
  
Fancy: And then we'll have us a ball tonight!  
  
Amateurs: We're gonna Rock it tonight!   
  
Cathy: Tonight . . . (All have been singing at once, reprising the choruses they sang before)  
  
Amateurs: We're gonna jazz it tonight.   
  
Cathy: Tonight! Late tonight we're gonna mix it tonight.   
  
Amateurs: They're gonna get it tonight. Tonight.   
  
Spies: They've been at it. They've been at it. They've been at it.  
  
Amateurs: We're the ones who will stop them once and for all.  
  
Spies: We'll stop them once and for all.   
  
Amateurs: The Amateurs are gonna have their way.  
  
Spies: The Spies are gonna have their day!  
  
Spies/Amateurs: We're gonna rock it tonight.  
  
All: Tonight! (The lights build with the music to the climax, and then blackout at the last exultant note.) 


	10. Act Two, Scene Two

SCENE TWO  
  
9:00 p.m. Under the highway.   
  
A dead end: rotting plaster and brick walls and mesh wire fences. A street lamp.   
  
It is nightfall. They almost silhouetted groups come in from separate sides.  
There is silence as they fan out on opposite sides of the cleared space. Then  
King and Smyth remove their jackets, handing them to their seconds: Peel and  
Fancy.   
  
King: Ready.  
  
Peel: Ready!  
  
Smyth: Ready.  
  
Fancy: Ready! Come center and shake hands.   
  
King (impatient): What for?  
  
Fancy (exasperated): That's the way its done, old boy.  
  
King: Look, every one of you hates every one of us, and we hate you right back.  
I don't drink with anybody I hate, I don't shake hands with anybody I hate.  
Now, let's get to it.  
  
Fancy (sneering): Surely.  
  
King (moving toward center): Here we go.  
  
(Smyth begins to move toward him. There are encouragements called from each  
side. The "fair fight" is just beginning when there is an interruption.)  
  
Steed (enters area and starts towards King): Hold it!  
  
(The fighting stops.)  
  
Fancy (excitedly): Steed, glad you decided to join us!  
  
Steed: I didn't. (Shoves Smyth away and steps between him and King)  
  
Fancy: Then what are you doing here?  
  
King (smiling evilly): Maybe he has found the guts to fight his own battles.  
  
Steed (Out of breath from running): It doesn't take guts if you have a battle,  
and we haven't got one, none of us, ok Martin!  
  
King (shoving Steed in exchange for his troubles): It's King to you!  
  
Fancy (quiet, strong): Hold it! The deal was a fair fight between King and  
Smyth. (To Steed, who has gotten up) Get with the Spies!  
  
King (sarcastically sweet): Aw, the mother hen protecting her little chick. Well,  
I'll give you a battle!  
  
Smyth: You've already got one!  
  
King: I'll take pretty boy as a warm up. Afraid pretty boy! Afraid chicken! Afraid  
gutless!  
  
Fancy (becoming angry): Stop that!  
  
Steed: I don't want to fight you, King.  
  
King: Oh, sure.  
  
Steed: Now listen to me . . .  
  
King: Are you chicken?  
  
Steed (desperately): We've got nothing to fight about.  
  
Gambit (disagreeing): Like hell we don't!  
  
King (shoving Steed around): Come on, Chicken!  
  
Steed: You won't understand!  
  
Gambit: Get him, Steed.  
  
Steed: King, don't make me mad. (Puts up dukes)  
  
Fancy: Don't just stand there!  
  
Gambit: Kill him!  
  
(Steed realizes what he's doing and releases his hands from fists.)  
  
King (triumphant): He is chicken! (King pushes him toward Smyth)  
  
Steed: DON'T PUSH ME!  
  
King: Come on, you yellow-bellied ch-  
  
(He never finishes, for Fancy hauls off and hits him. Immediately the two gangs  
alert, and the following action takes on the form of a dance. As King reels back  
to his feet, he reaches for his back pocket. Fancy reaches for his back pocket,  
and at the same instant each brings out a gleaming revolver. They jockey for  
position, feinting, dueling; the two gangs shift position, now and again  
temporarily obscuring the fighters. Steed tries to get in between them)  
  
Fancy: Hold him!  
  
(Smyth and Gambit grab Steed and hold him back. The fight continues. Fancy  
loses his gun, and gets it back with help from Purdey. At last, he has King in a  
good position to shoot him. Steed breaks free, and crying out, moves to stop  
Fancy.)  
  
Steed: Fancy, don't! (He stumbles into Fancy, pushing him into King's gun. King,  
startled, pulls the trigger and shoots Fancy. Steed catches Fancy as he slumps to  
the ground and grabs his gun, while King stares at his own weapon in a dazed  
stupor. A free-for-all has broken out as Steed, Fancy's gun in hand, fires at  
King's heart. The free-for-all continues a moment longer. Then there is a sharp  
police whistle. Everything comes to a dead stop— dead silence. Then a distant  
police siren: the men waver, run one way, another, in panic, confusion. As the  
stage is cleared, Steed stands horrified over the still bodies of King and Fancy.  
He bends over Fancy's body; then his rolls King's body over— and stares. Then  
he drops the gun and raises his voice in an anguished cry.)  
EMMA!  
  
(Another police whistle, closer now, but he doesn't move. From the shadows,  
Tara appears. She scurries to Steed and tugs at his arm. A siren, another  
whistle, then a searchlight cuts across the alley. Tara's insistent tugging brings  
Steed to the realization of danger. He crouches, starts to run with her to one  
escape-way. She reaches it first, goes out-but the searchlight hits it just as he  
would go through. He stops, runs the other way. He darts here, there, and  
finally gets away as a distant clock begins to boom.) 


	11. Act Two, Scene Three

SCENE THREE  
  
9:15 P.M. The rooftop.   
  
Emma is dancing about, reveling in the thought of Steed stopping the fight.  
Suddenly, a shadow appears im the door leading to the flat below. Thinking it to  
be Steed, Emma rushes to meet him. But it is Peel.   
  
Emma (surprised): Peter!  
  
Peel (slams the door and turns to her, panting): There was no one downstairs.  
  
Emma: My mother and father are at the store. I didn't expect you to come by or  
I would've-  
  
Peel (sorrowfully): Oh, Emma!  
  
Emma (looking him over): You have been fighting, Peter?  
  
Peel: Yes. I am sorry.  
  
Emma (scolding): That is not like you.  
  
Peel: No.  
  
Emma (talking quickly but suddenly fearing the worst): You must go home and  
wash up. (She opens the door and gestures for his to leave)  
  
Peel: Emma! At the duel . . .  
  
Emma (becoming concerned, but trying to remain sure of herself): There was no  
duel.  
  
Peel: There was!  
  
Emma (getting almost frantic): No, you are wrong!  
  
Peel: There was, Emma! Nobody meant for it to happen.  
  
Emma (understanding): . . . Tell me.  
  
Peel (swallowing): It is bad.  
  
Emma (alarmed): Very bad?  
  
Peel (nods): You see . . . (He moves closer to her, helplessly silent)  
  
Emma (taking control): It will be easier if you say it very quickly.  
  
Peel (nodding assent): There was a fight— And Martin . . . And somehow a  
gun— and somehow Martin and someone (She takes his hand)  
  
Emma (urgent): Steed! What happened to Steed! (She grabs his shirt) Peter, is  
Steed alright? (The name angers Peel, and he rudely yanks away from her  
grasp.)   
  
Peel (shouting): He killed your cousin! (He exits through the door, slamming it  
behind him.)  
  
Emma (following him): You are lying. Peter, why do you lie to me? Peter!  
(Becoming hysterical) Peter! Peter, you are lying (She runs downstairs after him,  
but he is already out the door with a gun. Emma runs to her room crying and  
falls on the bed.) Make it not be true . . . please make it not be true . . . I will do  
anything: Make me die . . . Only, please— make it not be true. (As she sobs,  
Steed appears in the fire-escape window and quietly climbs in. His shirt is  
ripped, half-torn off. He stands still, limp, watching her. Aware that someone is  
in the room, she stops crying. Slowly, she gets up; she looks at him for a long  
moment. Then, almost in one spring, she is on him, her fists beating his chest):  
Killer, killer, killer, killer, killer, killer, killer! (But her voice breaks with tears, her  
arms go about him, and she buries her face in his chest, kissing him. She begins  
to slide down his body. He supports her as, together, they go to the floor, he  
cradling her body in his arms. He pushes her hair back from her face; kisses her  
hair, her face, between the words that tumble out.)  
  
Steed: I tried to stop it; I did try. I don't know how it went wrong . . . I didn't  
mean to hurt him; I didn't want to. I didn't know I had. But Fancy. . . Fancy was  
like my brother. So when Martin killed him— (She lifts her head). Martin didn't  
mean it either. Oh, I know he didn't. I didn't come here to tell you that. I came  
to ask your forgiveness, before I leave town.   
  
Emma: No!  
  
Steed: It's easy now—   
Emma: NO! I won't let you!  
  
Steed: I must.  
  
Emma: Stay, stay with me.  
  
Steed: I love you so much!  
  
Emma: Don't leave me!  
  
Steed: Whatever you want, I'll do-   
  
Emma: Hold me!  
  
Steed: Oh Forever! It'll be all right. I know it! We're really together now!  
  
Emma (hopeless): But it's not us. It's everything around us.  
  
Steed (rashly): Then I'll take you away, where nothing can harm us, not anyone,  
or anything.  
  
Steed (sings): There's a place for us, somewhere a place for us. Peace and quiet  
and open air wait for us somewhere.  
  
Emma (sings): There's a time for us, someday a time for us. Time together with  
time to spare. Time to learn, time to care! Someday!   
  
Steed: Somewhere! We'll find a new way of living.  
  
Emma: We'll find a way of forgiving. Somewhere   
  
Both: There's a place for us, a time and place for us. Hold my hand, and we're  
halfway there. Hold my hand, and I'll take you there. Somehow! (They get up  
and sit on the bed.) Someday! Somewhere!   
  
(As the lights fade, together, they sink back on the bed.) 


	12. Act Two, Scene Four

SCENE FOUR  
  
10:00 P.M. Another Alley.   
  
A fence with loose boards; angles between buildings. Now a loose board flips up and  
Purdey wriggles through the fence. Timidly, Keel comes on.  
  
Keel (curious): Purdey, what are you doing here?  
  
Purdey: (hiding sobs): Nothing.  
  
Keel: What are you doing nothing here for? Come on, let's go.  
  
Purdey (whimpering): I don't want the fellows to see me, Dr. Keel.  
  
Keel: Why not?  
  
Purdey (totally breaking down): Because I'm crying.  
  
Keel (consolingly): There, there now. (They both sit down in an uncomfortable  
silence.)  
  
Purdey (breaking the quell): Did you get a good look at their faces?  
  
Keel (nervously): Which faces?  
  
Purdey (sniffling): You know. At the duel. King and Fancy's.  
  
Keel (Quietly): Yes. (Stands Up.) I wish it were yesterday.  
  
Purdey: Me too. I'm frightened! (Springs to her feet.) What are we going to do?  
  
Keel: We're going to meet the other spies and have a conference. That's what  
we're going to do. Let's go.  
  
Purdey: Do you have a handkerchief first?  
  
(Keel sighs and hands her the hanky. She gives it back to him, fully sodden with  
tears. They leave. The Scene shifts to another alley. Basil is pacing back and  
forth. The other spies and their girls are near by. Keel and Purdey run in.)  
  
Basil (sharply): Where have you been?  
  
Keel (peevishly): Where do you think we've been?  
  
Smyth: We thought the police caught you.  
  
Keel (offended): Most certainly not!  
  
Basil: You didn't see Steed?  
  
Keel: No, only bobbies.  
  
Gambit (concerned): What's wrong with Purdey?  
  
Keel (quickly): There's nothing wrong with her. (Getting defensive) She's fine,  
you get it?  
  
Gambit (Also defensively): All right, all right.  
  
Smyth: Maybe we ought to go home.  
  
Gambit (snorting): What for? I'll bet ya they got him!  
  
Basil: Not Steed!  
  
Keel: Steed was great, huh Purdey?  
  
Purdey (hiding her tears): He really came through for the Spies.  
  
Keel: Just like Fancy said he- (He stops. Everybody is silent for a moment,  
thinking of their late leader.) -said he would.  
  
Hana (starts crying): George! George! I want George! (She wails into Diana's  
shoulder.)  
  
Diana (comfortingly): Come on, Hana. That's a girl!  
  
Gambit (slowly): Nobody was supposed to get killed. It just- (Gets angry.)  
They're going to pay!  
  
Smyth: Those bloody Amateurs!  
  
Gambit: Dirty fighting!  
  
Smyth: They started it!  
  
Gambit: So why don't we finish it?  
  
Basil (warily): Cool it, Gambit!  
  
Gambit (ignoring Basil): We've got to show them who's on top!  
  
Smyth: The spies!  
  
Gambit: Let's do it now! (He's rallied most of the Spies' support, except for  
Purdey, Keel, and Basil. Purdey bravely steps up to him.)  
  
Purdey: Haven't we had enough?  
  
Gambit: What are you, scared?  
  
Purdey (trying to act tough): Who are you calling scared?  
  
Keel (annoyed): Stop bothering her.  
  
Gambit (To Keel): Mind your own business!  
  
Keel: This is my business.  
  
Gambit: I'm not so sure! (He grabs Keel's neck and begins choking him. The rest  
of the Spies gain up on Gambit and pull him off. By now everyone is shouting  
and shoving each other. Basil untangles himself from the din and yells in a loud  
voice.)  
  
Basil: SHUT UP, YOU RUFFIANS!  
  
Gambit: I don't have to take an order from anybody! I swear the next bounder  
who calls me a ruffian-  
  
Basil (bellowing): You'll Laugh! (Instant silence. Everyone stares at Basil,  
amazed and intrigued by his sudden take-charge manner.) Yeah. Now you all  
better dig this and dig it well. No matter who or what is bothering you, you  
show it, and you are dead! You are cutting a hole in yourselves for them to stick  
in a red-hot brolly and open it wide! You want to get past the cops when they  
start asking questions about tonight? You play it cool. You want to live in this  
lousy world? Play it cool.  
  
Gambit: I want to get even!  
  
Basil: Get cool!  
  
Smyth: I want to bust!  
  
Basil: Bust cool!  
  
Gambit: I want to go!  
  
Basil: Go cool! (Sings) Boy, boy crazy boy, Get cool, boy. Got a rocket in your  
pocket, keep cooly cool, boy! Don't get hot, cause, man you've got some high  
times ahead. Take it slow, and, daddio, you can live it up and die in bed. Boy,  
Boy, crazy boy, stay loose boy. Breeze it, buzz it, easy does it. Turn off the juice  
boy! Go, man go, but not like a yo-yo school boy! Just play it cool, boy, real cool  
(Snaps for several measures) Easy, Gambit. (More snaps) Sh!   
  
(Purdey grunts and snaps loudly)  
  
Basil: Cool it, Purdey, cool it! Cool it!  
  
Purdey: (giggles) POW! (Giggles)  
  
All: (claps) OOH (claps) Ah (more snaps) Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow!  
Pow! Pow! Pow!  
  
Girls: Cool!  
  
First Guy Group: Go!  
  
Second guy group: Crazy!  
  
Girls: Cool!  
  
FGG: Go!  
  
SGG: Crazy!  
  
FGG: Go!  
All: Boy, crazy boy, stay loose boy. Breeze it, buzz it, easy does it. Turn off the  
juice boy!  
  
Basil: Just play it cool, boy, real cool  
  
Basil (notices they are now "cool"): Ok, let's go.   
  
Gambit: POW!  
  
(At the end of the song Tara appears out of the shadows.)   
  
Tara: Hey, fellows!  
  
Gambit: Oh, go wear a skirt!  
  
Tara: I can't kick and fight in a skirt. Listen . . .  
  
Basil: The first thing we do is to start going about town as if we've got nothing  
to hide.  
  
Purdey: But suppose they ask about the duel?  
  
Tara: Suppose they ask about Steed and what party's looking for him with a  
gun.  
  
Basil: Hey, do you know something?  
  
Tara: I know I've got to go get a skirt. (She starts off, but Basil pulls her back.)  
  
Basil: Come on, Tara!  
  
Purdey (scornfully): Oh, what does Little Miss Muffet know?  
  
Tara (defensively): Plenty. I figured somebody ought to infiltrate Amateur  
territory and spy around. I'm very large with shadows, you know. I can slip in  
and out of them like the wind through a fence.  
  
Gambit: Boy, is she ever making the most of it!  
  
Basil (to Tara): What did you hear?  
  
Tara: I heard Peel telling the Amateurs something about Steed and King's  
Cousin. And then Peel said, "If it's the last thing I do, I'm going to get that  
Steed!" And then he pulls out the bad news!  
  
Gambit: What did I tell you? Those Amateurs won't stop!  
  
Basil: Easy, Gambit!  
  
Smyth: Till we stop them!  
  
Keel: Yeah!  
  
Basil: Aren't you all forgetting? Steed came through for the Spies. We've got to  
find him before Peel does and kills him.  
  
Purdey: Right!  
  
Basil: OK then! Gambit-cover the river. (Gambit runs off) Purdey-get over to  
West Side Brolly. (Purdey slinks away.)  
  
Keel: I'll take the back alleys.   
  
Hana: Diana and I will take to the streets.  
  
Smyth: I'll cover the park.  
  
Basil: Good, men! (He begins to run off.)  
  
Tara: What about me?  
  
(Basil stops running.) Basil: In and out of the shadows. Maybe you'll find Steed  
in one of them.  
  
Tara: Right! (She starts off)  
  
Basil: Hey! (Tara Stops) You've done good, fellow Spy.  
  
Tara (she has fallen in love): Thanks, Basil darling.  
  
(They both run off. Peel enters, looking from the shadows, holding a gun. He  
exits swiftly.) 


	13. Act Two, Scene Five

SCENE FIVE  
  
11:30 P.M. The bedroom.   
  
The light is, at first, a vague glow on the lovers, who are asleep on the bed. From  
offstage, faint at first, there is a sound of knocking. It gets louder; Steed stirs. At a  
distance, a police siren sounds, and the knocking is now very loud. Steed bolts upright.  
Cathy comes in from outside and goes to the bedroom door—which is locked—tries the  
knob.  
  
  
Cathy (holding back tears): Emma? . . . Emma? (Steed is reaching for his shirt  
when Emma sits up. Quickly, he puts his hand, then his lips, on her lips.) Emma,  
it's Cathy. Why are you locked in?  
  
Emma (thinking up a quick lie): I . . . didn't know it was locked.   
  
Cathy: Open the door. I need you.  
  
(Emma reaches for the knob, but Steed stops her)  
  
Emma (whispers): Now you are afraid, too.  
  
Cathy (suspicious): What?  
  
Emma (loudly): One moment.  
  
Steed (whispering): Mother'll help. I'll get money from him. Meet me at West  
Side Brolly.  
  
(In the other room, Cathy is aware of voices but unsure of what they are  
saying.)  
  
Emma (quiet): At West Side Brolly, yes. (Aloud) Coming, Cathy.  
  
Steed (kisses her): Hurry!  
  
(He scrambles out the window as Emma hastily puts a bathrobe over her slip. In  
the other room, Cathy has stiffened and moved away from the door. She stands  
staring at it coldly as Emma prattles to her through the door.)  
  
Emma: Did you see Peter? He was here before, but he left so angrily I think  
maybe he . . . (She opens the door and see's Cathy's look. A moment, then  
Cathy pushes her aside: looks at the bed, at the window, then turns accusingly  
to Emma) All right: now you know.  
  
Cathy (savagely): And you still don't know: Steed is one of them!  
  
Emma (protests): No!  
  
Cathy (sings): A man like that who'd kill your cousin. A man like that's a dime a  
dozen. Stick to your own kind, one of your own kind. A man like that will give  
you sorrow. You'll meet another man tomorrow. One of your own kind, stick to  
your own kind. A man who kills cannot love, a man who kills has no heart. And  
he's the man who gets your love and gets your heart— Very smart, Miss Emma,  
very smart! A man like that wants one thing only, and when he's done, he'll  
leave you lonely. He'll murder your love; he murdered mine. Just wait and see—   
just wait, Miss Emma, just wait and see!  
  
Emma (sings): Oh, no, Cathy, no, Cathy no. It isn't true, not for me. It's true for  
you, not for me. I hear your words, and in my head, I know they're smart, but  
my heart, Cathy, but my heart knows they're wrong! You should know better.  
You were in love, or so you said. You should know better. I have a love, and it's  
all that I have, right or wrong. What else can I do? I love him. I'm his, and  
everything he is, I am too. I have a love, and it's all that I need, right or wrong,  
and he needs me, too. I love him. We're one. There's nothing to be done, not a  
thing I can do, but hold him, hold him forever. Be with him now, tomorrow, and  
all of my life.  
  
Both: When love comes so strong, there is no right or wrong. Your love is your  
LIFE!  
  
Cathy (quietly): Peter has a gun. He has set out to hunt for Steed—   
  
Emma (tears off her bathrobe): If he hurts Steed—If he touches him—I swear to  
you I'll—   
  
Cathy (sharply): You'll do what Steed did to Martin?  
  
Emma (softly, after a pause): I love Steed.  
  
Cathy (understands): I know. I loved Martin.  
  
(Prendergast comes into the outer room)  
  
Prendergast: Anybody home? (Goes to bedroom door, Pleasantly.) Don't you  
people lock your doors?  
  
Emma (puts her robe back on): What are you doing here?  
  
Prendergast (grins evilly): Came to settle some unfinished business. Eliminate  
what's left of the competition. I can't find any Spies at the moment, so you  
Amateurs will have to do. (He pulls out a record player and begins playing "Mein  
Leib, Mein Rose.") You first, Miss Knight. (He lunges for Emma)  
  
Emma (warding him off): Cathy, you must go to West Side Brolly and warn  
Steed! (Dodges blows) Tell him I'll be there as soon as I can!  
  
Cathy: Are you sure you can handle Prendergast alone?  
  
Emma (karate chops Prendergast): What do you think?  
  
(Cathy nods and hurries out. The fight continues as the stage fades to black.) 


	14. Act Two, Scene Six

SCENE SIX  
  
11:40 P.M. West Side Brolly  
  
Tara and some of the Spies are there as Purdey and the other Spies run in.   
  
  
Gambit: Where's Steed?  
  
Tara: In the storeroom with Mother. (Blushes) I found him.  
  
Smyth: Did you warn him about Peel?  
  
Tara: Mother said he'd tell him.  
  
Purdey: What's he hiding in the storeroom from?  
  
Gambit: Maybe he can't run as fast as you.  
  
Basil: Knock it off, Gambit. (To the others) Look casual, blokes. Some of you get  
outside and see if Peel or any of those dirty Am—   
  
(The shop doorbell tinkles as Cathy enters. Cold silence, then slowly she comes  
down to the counter. They all stare at her. A long moment. Then Cathy speaks.)  
  
Cathy: I'd like to see Mother.  
  
Gambit: He isn't here.  
  
Cathy: Where is he?  
  
Purdey: He's gone to the bank. There was an error in his favour.  
  
Cathy (annoyed): The banks are closed at night. Where is he?  
  
Purdey: You know how stupid Mother is. He tried to slip in through the night-  
deposit slot—   
  
Tara: —and got stuck halfway in.  
  
Gambit: Which indicates there's no telling when he'll be back, so hasta la vista,  
Cathy.  
  
(Cathy starts toward the storehouse door)  
  
Smyth: Where are you going?  
  
Cathy (sarcastically): Where do you think I'm going?  
  
Gambit: I told you, Mother ain't here!  
  
Cathy: I'd like to see for myself.  
  
Gambit (nastily): Please.  
  
Cathy (controlling herself): . . . please will you let me pass?  
  
Basil: Pass what?  
  
Cathy (low): Don't.  
  
Gambit: Please don't.  
  
Keel: Pretty please.   
  
Purdey: With a cherry on top?  
  
Tara: Don't forget the whipped cream!  
  
Cathy: Listen, you— (she controls herself)  
  
Gambit: We're listening.  
  
Cathy: I've got to give a friend of yours a message, I've got to tell Steed—   
  
Smyth: He isn't here.  
  
Cathy: I know he is.  
  
Gambit: Who says he is?  
  
Purdey: Who's the message from?  
  
Cathy: Never mind.  
  
Gambit: Couldn't be from Peel, could it?  
  
Cathy (angrily): I want to stop Peter! I want to help!  
  
Tara: Aw, Martin's girl wants to help, but she wants to help get Steed!  
  
Cathy: No!  
  
Basil: She isn't much— King's tramp.  
  
Gambit : Dirty Amateur!  
  
Keel: Bloody traitor!  
  
Cathy: Don't do that!  
  
Smyth: Stinking wench!  
  
Tara: Martin's little spy!  
  
Gambit: Lying little fink!  
  
(The taunting breaks out into a wild, savage dance, with epithets hurled at  
Cathy, who is encircled and driven by the whole pack. At the peak, she is shoved  
so that she falls in the corner. Purdey is lifted up high and dropped on her as  
Mother enters from the storeroom door and yells.)  
  
Mother: Stop it! . . . What've you been doing now?  
  
(Dead silence. Cathy gets up and looks at them.)  
  
Cathy (trying not to cry): Martin was right . . . If one of you was lying bleeding  
in the street, I'd walk right by and spit on you. (She flicks herself off and makes  
her way toward the door.)  
  
Basil: Don't let her go!  
  
Gambit: She'll tell Peel that Steed—   
  
(Keel grabs her; she shakes loose.)  
  
Cathy: Let go! (She pulls out a gun from her garter and faces them): I've got a  
message for your Spy buddy. Tell that murderer that Emma's never going to  
meet him! Tell him that Prendergast found her at her flat— and killed her!  
  
(She slams out. There is a stunned silence.)  
  
Mother: What does it take to get through to you? See what happens when you  
let sentiment dominate your minds! People get killed, lives get destroyed— all  
from your stupidity! Get out of my store!  
  
(Slowly, they start to file out. The lights fade.) 


	15. Act Two, Scene Seven

SCENE SEVEN  
  
11:50 P.M. The storeroom  
  
Cramped: a box or crate; a door to the outside.  
Steed is pacing back and forth as Mother comes down the stairs, some bills in his  
hands.  
  
Steed: Make a big sale?  
  
Mother: No.  
  
Steed (taking the money that Mother is holding): Thanks. I'll pay you back as  
soon as I can.  
  
Mother: Forget that.  
  
Steed: I won't; I couldn't. Mother, you know what we're going to do in the  
country, Emma and I? We're going to have children, and when they grow up  
they're all going to be mothers, even the guys. Then when you come to visit—   
  
Mother (yelling): Wake up! (Raging) Is this the only way to get through to you?  
Do just what you all do? Burst like a hot-water pipe?  
  
Steed: Mother, what's gotten into—   
  
Mother (overriding angrily): Why do you live and spy like there's a war going on?  
(Low.) Why do you all kill?  
  
Steed: I told you how it happened, Mother. Emma understands. I thought you  
did, too.  
  
Mother: I never had an Emma.  
  
Steed (gently): I have, and I'll tell you one thing, Mother. Even if it only lasts  
from one night to the next, it's worth the world.  
  
Mother: That's all it did last.  
  
Steed: What?  
  
Mother: That was no customer upstairs just now. That was Cathy. (Pause.)  
Emma is dead. Prendergast has finally started his revenge on us spies and  
amateurs. He killed Emma!  
  
(A brief moment. Steed looks at Mother, stunned, numb. He shakes his head as  
though he cannot believe this. Mother holds out his hands to him, but Steed  
backs away, then suddenly turns and runs out the door. As he does, the set flies  
away and the stage goes dark. In the darkness we hear Steed's voice.)  
  
Steed: Prendergast? PRENDERGAST! Come out and fight like a man,  
Prendergast! 


	16. Finale

SCENE EIGHT  
  
Midnight. The street.  
  
The lights come up to reveal the same set we saw at the beginning of Act One—but it is  
now jagged with shadows. Steed stands in the emptiness, calling, whirling around as a  
figure darts out if shadows and then runs off again.  
  
  
Steed: Prendergast, come out and fight me!  
  
Tara (a whisper from the dark.): Steed . . .  
  
Steed (whirls around): Who's that?  
  
Tara (darting on): It's me, Tara.  
  
Steed: Get out of here! Prendergast! I'm going to avenge Emma's death, no  
doubt about that! Why don't you just show yourself and get it over with!  
  
Tara: What are you doing, Steed?  
  
Steed: I said get out of here! PRENDERGAST!  
  
Tara: Look, maybe if you and I just—   
  
Steed (savagely): Spying is not fun and games! Can't any of you get that?  
  
Tara: But I'm one of the spies now!  
  
Steed: You're a girl. BE A GIRL! Get out of the spies while you can! Now beat it!  
(She retreats) PRENDERGAST, I'M CALLING FOR YOU PRENDERGAST! HURRY!  
IT'S CLEAR NOW. THERE'S NOBODY BUT ME. COME ON! Will you, please! I'm  
waiting for you. I want to kill you . . . (Suddenly, all the way across the stage  
from him, a figure steps out of the dark. He stops and pears as a light starts to  
glow on it. He utters an unbelieving whisper.) Emma?  
  
Emma: Steed . . . (As she holds out her arms toward him, another figure  
appears: Peel.)  
  
Steed: Emma! EMMA! (As they run to each other, there is a gun shot. Steed  
stumbles, as though he has tripped. Emma catches him and cradles him in her  
arms as he falters to the ground. During this, Purdey and Keel run on; then Croft  
and Cathy and the other Amateurs. Peel stands very still, bewildered by the gun  
dangling from his hand. More spies and Amateurs appear, some girls run on,  
and Mother comes out to stare with them.)   
  
Steed (quietly): I didn't believe hard enough.  
  
Emma: Loving is enough.  
  
Steed: Not here. (Louder) They won't let us be.  
  
Emma (desperately): Then we'll get away.  
  
Steed (weakly): Yeah, we can.  
  
Emma: Yes!  
  
Steed (faintly): We will. (He shivers, as though a pain went through him.)  
  
Emma: (whispers) Yes! (She holds him closer and begins to sing tearily—  
without orchestra) There's a place for us somewhere a place for us. Peace and  
quiet and open air wait for us some—   
  
(He has started to join in on the third word. She sings harder, as though to urge  
him back to life, but his voice falters and he barely finishes the line. She sings  
on, a phrase or two more, then stops, his body quiet in her arms. Emma can't  
feel a pulse. A moment, and then she rests Steed gently on the ground. Lightly  
she brushes Steed's lips with her fingers. Behind her, Basil, in front of the group  
of Spies, moves to lead them toward Peel. Emma speaks, her voice cold, sharp)   
  
Stay Back! (She gets up, walks to Peel and holds out her hand. He hands her the  
gun. She speaks again, her voice flat and hard.) I'm going to fire this gun, Peter,  
just by pulling this little trigger (aims at Peter; he draws back. She has all of  
them in front of her now, as she holds the gun out and her voice gets stronger  
with anger and savage rage.) How many bullets are left, Peter? Enough for you?  
(Points at the amateurs) and You? (Aims at spies)   
  
Emma (very angry): All of you, you all killed him. And my cousin . . . And  
Fancy. Not with bullets and guns . . . WITH HATE! Well, I can kill, too, because  
now I HAVE HATE! (She had been pointing the gun wildly, and they have been  
drawing back. Now she holds it straight out at Basil.) How many can I kill, Peter?  
How many? And still have one bullet left for me! (Both hands on the gun, she  
pushes it forward at Basil, but cannot fire. She breaks into sobs, hurls the gun  
away, and sinks to the ground.) Oh No! (More sobs. There is a long silence  
where several police arrive, look around, and start toward Steed's body. Like a  
madwomen, Emma puts her arms around it, all-embracing, protecting, as she  
cries out.) Don't you TOUCH HIM! (The police step back. Keller, Prendergast,  
and Watney have appeared in the shadows behind the police. Emma now turns  
and pleads with the two rival groups with her eyes. Nobody moves. Slowly,  
Cathy comes and stands by the body. Now Emma looks at Basil. He too, comes  
forward, with Smyth, to stand by the body. Croft joins Cathy. Then Emma leans  
low over Steed's face. Softly, privately.) I love you, John.   
  
(She kisses him gently. After another long silence, Steed begins slowly to stir.)  
  
Steed (coughing): There's a time for us, someday a time for us, time together  
with time to— (coughing. Everyone stares in shock.)  
  
Steed (still weakly, but somewhat amused): What? Haven't you amateurs ever  
heard of chain-mail? (Emma is in near rapture.)  
  
Emma (sings): Time together with time to spare, time to learn, time to care!  
Someday, somewhere.   
  
Steed (regaining his strength): We'll find a new way of living   
  
Emma (looks at everyone): We'll find a way of forgiving, somewhere.  
  
Both: There's a place for us, a time and place for us. Hold my hand, and we're  
halfway there. Hold my hand, and I'll take you there. Somehow . . . Someday . .  
. Somewhere! (They kiss passionately.)  
  
Steed (still fairly weak): Now could you please get me to a doctor before I die  
for real?  
  
Keel (annoyed): Doctor? What do you think I am?  
  
(Music starts as three Spies try to pick up Steed and begin to slip. Two Amateurs  
come to the rescue on an impulse. Both groups gaze at each other in wonder,  
and peace is made. They carry Steed out. The others, men and women, fall in  
behind to make a procession, as Purdey touches Emma's shoulder consolingly.  
Purdey follows the procession. Emma sits quietly as the music builds, the lights  
start to come up, and the procession makes its way across the stage. At last,  
she gets up and, lifts her head proudly and, triumphantly turns to follow the  
others. The police arrest Peel, Prendergast, and Keller and escort them off the  
stage. The remaining two— Mother and Watney are left bowed, alone, useless.)   
  
The Curtain Falls.  
  
The End!!!!! 


End file.
